July 15

And the cycle continues...

When will I ever learn my lesson?

Just realized tonight that I date guys who don't take any interest in me. Sound familiar dad?
Gees...the older I get the more I realize how big of an impact your childhood has on the rest of your life.

My dad never seemed to take any interest in any of my hobbies, skills or interests. I was always and I am still always trying to take an interest in his hobbies...still listening to what he likes and never is it ever returned.

Actually that's a lie...it's returned when I pull away.

What's interesting though is that he does the same with the women he dates...he caters to them and takes an interest in them and his problem in the past is that they don't seem to want to do what he likes. How interesting that what he wants, is exactly what he's not giving me.

Anyways I need to get to the bottom of this because I no longer want to attract anyone that doesn't take an interest in me.
What is the core belief here that my father taught me?

'I am not interesting. Men don't care about what I like. '

I need to change this to " I am fucking cool. Men love to be around me and I attract men that take an interest in my hobbies. I attract men that know a ton about me...I attract men that are genuinely interested in me as a whole.

Is it possible to change someone's behavior towards you? Or if they didn't fully creep you before, does it then mean they never really took a proper interest in you? 
I need to sleep on this.

Till tomorrow xo

It's been a while my friend...

It has been many years my friend.

You were there to comfort me during some pivotal years of my life. You are the reason I began to beat my depression.You gave me an outlet.

You helped me find my voice again.

I need your help once again.

I'm changing...a lot. In the past year, everything has changed.

I'm no longer with Alex anymore. We've completely transitioned into friends. We chat from time to time...but that's all.
Weird to think that in 2012 I was convinced that he was my forever.

I'll always love him. But of course, I now know that I no longer want him to be my forever.

I met someone last year... M. He was my comfort during the craziness with James and the transition with Alex. He was there to make me laugh...to bring me peace. Towards the end of the year, I fell in love with him. Funny that I hadn't even met him yet.

It was instant though. The second I saw him, my heart fluttered again. The first time we kissed... was magical. I have never felt that kind of passion and love from someone...even till this day.
Although...we did talk for a year leading up to it...so yea, there was a lot of build up.

But I guess also, the build up is what allowed me to trust him. That is what allowed me to let my guard down.
We built a solid foundation. We built a friendship. He was more to me then just a weekend hookup. He was my best friend. We talked for hours and hours over that year. Facetimed a lot, and texted a lot. That's one of the things that drew me to him...his communication skills. Boy can he talk haha. But it's nice to know that he wants to talk.
That's one of the comforts he brings me. Most males don't like to talk that much. I could go both ways...it's nice to have someone you know who will.

Anyways...I wasn't happy for a few months leading up to our meet and afterwards. I didn't know how to vocalize what I wanted from him...and he wasn't in a place to give it to me. I got to a place where I started to resent him and I was playing games with him; trying to get back at him for whatever story I made up in my brain to rationalize his behavior. I didn't want to look "uncool" and so I would play it off like I was completely fine.

But I wasn't. I was hurting. I was in a lot of pain. I felt rejected all the time. I felt unloved...the same I always feel when there's a lack of communication or physical touch.
So my heart naturally started to look elsewhere.

Everyday I found myself mentally cutting the emotional cords connecting me to M and each day got easier. Then I met J and my soul started to smile again.
We seemed very alike and our minds instantly connected. He unfortunately is my boss. The boss of the dream job I JUST landed. Which is the part of this tale where I tell you that I feel trapped.

J has a block up. He doesn't let me in completely. He did when we first started flirting. But I guess he can see and feel that I'm still connected to M.
M also feels that I'm connected to J.

Were all bloody empaths and it makes this situation way more complex.

M now gives me everything that I wanted before. But because I'm connected to J...I no longer feel completely connected to M. My heart and soul knows that I do love him. But that in love stage faded when I kissed J. M also lives in the US so it's a different story not having him physically here to remind me of his energy. Plus it's hard, after all the pain I felt, to just suddenly give myself entirely to this man again whom doesn't even live in the same country as me. Yes I plan to move there...but who knows when. It could be in a year from now...or two. I'm just not in a place to say yes to giving my heart and soul to someone I will barely see for a long time.

Nothing was magical about kissing J. In fact, I kinda feel emotionless with him...but in a comforted way. He brings my soul peace...but when he held my hand...I didn't get the normal butterflies. I felt like I had been holding his hand for centuries. It just felt natural...and right. Almost as if he really were my twin soul (We are both gemini's btw...aka gemini twins). I do like kissing him now...but it saddens me that I barely felt anything at first.

Sometimes the communication with J doesn't flow. A part of me thinks that that has everything to do with his block. But...another part of me thinks that it's possible that maybe we just don't connect verbally. But we did in the beginning. We stopped when I had a lot of drama one week with M. I could see him begin to put up a block...I don't blame him. But that disconnect with communication...that part is what is holding me back from giving him my all. That part is what scares me about cutting out M.

J said something interesting to me a few weeks ago. He said that sometimes we need to take risks in order for us to move forward. He said, the universe usually rewards risks.
In my experience he is right.

But I'm not ready to say goodbye to my best friend.

Carly thinks I'm just afraid to be alone. Perhaps I am.

Perhaps I'm in love with M but I'm too afraid to give him my all now.
Perhaps the "In love" feelings will forever be gone now and I'll always just love him as a friend.
Perhaps I truly enjoy J's company and I don't want to give it up.
Perhaps I love my relationship dynamic with M and I'm being unfair now that I feel confused and connected to J. 
Perhaps I can see myself loving J in the future and that is why I can't let him go.
Perhaps I can't let M go because I can see myself having babies with him...which is really weird to write as I still don't know that I want them...but M gives me that option. M makes me want them.
Perhaps I'm scared that if I do let J go, that the dynamic at work will change...this is my dream job. How could I risk it? I know J has said that work will not be affected...but he's an extremely emotional person...and if I hurt his ego...he won't be able to take it. He showed that side to him when he was mad with a girl at work. My heart will break if I push him into that side. He's not the most empathetic person. What guys are though really?


I have really made a mess of my life right now. The only thing I can conclude from all of this...is to give up both of them.
I don't know who to choose so perhaps I should just choose me. Yes I think that's what I need to do.

My soul hurts as I write this. Change is scary. But I need to make this change. I need to choose me. I need to stop being so co-dependent of these men. I don't need either one. I'm not ready for either one.

And if they don't understand that...then they aren't ment for me. I need to find the strength to be alone. To for once...not be dependent on anyone's attention. To for once be naked...and vulnerable. Perhaps only then will I find the comfort that I always seem to seek in relationships. I need to find that internal comfort that will help me go with the flow and not care about how long someone stays in my life.

Anyways...wrapping up this therapy talk. Love you girl. Keep fighting.
xo

All you need is lovvvveeee

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy.
There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you
in time - It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
All you need is love (all together now)
All you need is love (everybody)
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

Dream of Californiacation

And then comes the one guy that makes the rest look like complete losers!

Some food for thought

"If a man's mind becomes pure, his surrounding will also become pure" - Buddha

I've been blessed with such great friends in my life it's absolutely unbelievable. I've been blessed with such friends that help me see the good or bad in which others bring to me.
I've never been very patient and as such, I have taken some huge risks in my life out of my unwillingness to wait.
I like to call it one of my greatest assets and liabilities.
So I like to live every moment. I hate waking up at 4 in the afternoon only to realize that I've wasted a whole day.
Just imagine the possibilities of what you could of accomplished during that missed out time. Could be very little or could be life changing, you never know.
But most people don't like to be pushed, obviously and a lot get taken aback by my assertiveness to get exactly what I want at that time.
I guess a lot of people can say I jump into things whole heartedly. I'm extremely passionate with everything I do and the one thing I believe in and only want in life, is love.
I'm not saying just with a partner, I mean with my family and I love to make new friends and offer as much love as I can give, cause lord knows the world needs some more of it these days.
I've made some pretty crappy choices in my day, that I'm not proud of but nor do I regret making them because making them has helped me see who people really are, find out new things about myself and move forward to making more crappy spur of the moment choices that I eventually learn from too lol.

I've also been blessed with the gift of intuition lol. Not psychic abilities but more the fact that I can meet someone right off the bat and know if they have good intentions or bad; If they will help move me forward or walk me in the wrong direction. I've never been wrong to this day.
The annoying part is the temptation. Fighting against the thrill of people that might eventually bring me down. Trusting myself that they are not good for me and keeping myself from them or from thinking I could change their intentions.
My life is one adventurous movie if I do say so myself lol.
The tricky part now is knowing that I'm aware of such people and knowing that I'm aware that even with such temptation and anticipation at the time, those people will only lead me in the wrong direction, how do I motivate myself to completely avoid what I know is bad?
Some of that bad has led me to unthinkable possibilities, and some has led me to spending weeks lying in bed feeling sorry for myself.

This is when I go back to saying how blessed I am for the friends I have. 2 of them in fact are the ones that understand me the most and can really say every word out of my thoughts without me having to open my mouth once. Without them I might be still trapped in my own thoughts wondering if what has happened to me is actually real or if how I interpret things actually make sense.

I know my thoughts are scattered but who ever said I needed to make a point in my own journal?

I know me. My family knows me. My 2 soul sisters know me. I will continue to love whoever lets me love them. You can judge me all I want even being some of my oldest friends, as old doesn't mean best. Doesn't mean you understand my soul or have even tryed to understand how I see things or the reasons I do what I do. Only then will you be a pure friend and learn to let the judgements go. Only then will you be the best.

So, how do you really wash away all the Voldermorts and Cruella Devills in your life?
Is it wrong to keep them in hopes that they will learn how to love? Or do u Avada Kadavra them in case they decide to make fur coats out of your puppies?
hahaha

What will save u and your puppies in the end really?

xo

Dreams

LASttt night I had a dream that I was underwater, breathing fine, with 100 other people I know, and we were running from a storm that was going to cause a black hole that sucked us all in. The only way to survive was the strength of your own mind. Twice this black hole tried to kill me and both times I was the only one out of everyone that came up with a way to hold on to something and convince myself that my body wasn't weak and I had the strength to hold on.
This is my translation:
There have been plenty of people in this world who have been negative to me and have cut me down in the past and I finally don't let them anymore.
I have the strength now. A strength that I always had but was never too sure of and questioned too often.
I feel so free it's unbelievable.

<3