It has been many years my friend.
You were there to comfort me during some pivotal years of my life. You are the reason I began to beat my depression.You gave me an outlet.
You helped me find my voice again.
I need your help once again.
I'm changing...a lot. In the past year, everything has changed.
I'm no longer with Alex anymore. We've completely transitioned into friends. We chat from time to time...but that's all.
Weird to think that in 2012 I was convinced that he was my forever.
I'll always love him. But of course, I now know that I no longer want him to be my forever.
I met someone last year... M. He was my comfort during the craziness with James and the transition with Alex. He was there to make me laugh...to bring me peace. Towards the end of the year, I fell in love with him. Funny that I hadn't even met him yet.
It was instant though. The second I saw him, my heart fluttered again. The first time we kissed... was magical. I have never felt that kind of passion and love from someone...even till this day.
Although...we did talk for a year leading up to it...so yea, there was a lot of build up.
But I guess also, the build up is what allowed me to trust him. That is what allowed me to let my guard down.
We built a solid foundation. We built a friendship. He was more to me then just a weekend hookup. He was my best friend. We talked for hours and hours over that year. Facetimed a lot, and texted a lot. That's one of the things that drew me to him...his communication skills. Boy can he talk haha. But it's nice to know that he wants to talk.
That's one of the comforts he brings me. Most males don't like to talk that much. I could go both ways...it's nice to have someone you know who will.
Anyways...I wasn't happy for a few months leading up to our meet and afterwards. I didn't know how to vocalize what I wanted from him...and he wasn't in a place to give it to me. I got to a place where I started to resent him and I was playing games with him; trying to get back at him for whatever story I made up in my brain to rationalize his behavior. I didn't want to look "uncool" and so I would play it off like I was completely fine.
But I wasn't. I was hurting. I was in a lot of pain. I felt rejected all the time. I felt unloved...the same I always feel when there's a lack of communication or physical touch.
So my heart naturally started to look elsewhere.
Everyday I found myself mentally cutting the emotional cords connecting me to M and each day got easier. Then I met J and my soul started to smile again.
We seemed very alike and our minds instantly connected. He unfortunately is my boss. The boss of the dream job I JUST landed. Which is the part of this tale where I tell you that I feel trapped.
J has a block up. He doesn't let me in completely. He did when we first started flirting. But I guess he can see and feel that I'm still connected to M.
M also feels that I'm connected to J.
Were all bloody empaths and it makes this situation way more complex.
M now gives me everything that I wanted before. But because I'm connected to J...I no longer feel completely connected to M. My heart and soul knows that I do love him. But that in love stage faded when I kissed J. M also lives in the US so it's a different story not having him physically here to remind me of his energy. Plus it's hard, after all the pain I felt, to just suddenly give myself entirely to this man again whom doesn't even live in the same country as me. Yes I plan to move there...but who knows when. It could be in a year from now...or two. I'm just not in a place to say yes to giving my heart and soul to someone I will barely see for a long time.
Nothing was magical about kissing J. In fact, I kinda feel emotionless with him...but in a comforted way. He brings my soul peace...but when he held my hand...I didn't get the normal butterflies. I felt like I had been holding his hand for centuries. It just felt natural...and right. Almost as if he really were my twin soul (We are both gemini's btw...aka gemini twins). I do like kissing him now...but it saddens me that I barely felt anything at first.
Sometimes the communication with J doesn't flow. A part of me thinks that that has everything to do with his block. But...another part of me thinks that it's possible that maybe we just don't connect verbally. But we did in the beginning. We stopped when I had a lot of drama one week with M. I could see him begin to put up a block...I don't blame him. But that disconnect with communication...that part is what is holding me back from giving him my all. That part is what scares me about cutting out M.
J said something interesting to me a few weeks ago. He said that sometimes we need to take risks in order for us to move forward. He said, the universe usually rewards risks.
In my experience he is right.
But I'm not ready to say goodbye to my best friend.
Carly thinks I'm just afraid to be alone. Perhaps I am.
Perhaps I'm in love with M but I'm too afraid to give him my all now.
Perhaps the "In love" feelings will forever be gone now and I'll always just love him as a friend.
Perhaps I truly enjoy J's company and I don't want to give it up.
Perhaps I love my relationship dynamic with M and I'm being unfair now that I feel confused and connected to J.
Perhaps I can see myself loving J in the future and that is why I can't let him go.
Perhaps I can't let M go because I can see myself having babies with him...which is really weird to write as I still don't know that I want them...but M gives me that option. M makes me want them.
Perhaps I'm scared that if I do let J go, that the dynamic at work will change...this is my dream job. How could I risk it? I know J has said that work will not be affected...but he's an extremely emotional person...and if I hurt his ego...he won't be able to take it. He showed that side to him when he was mad with a girl at work. My heart will break if I push him into that side. He's not the most empathetic person. What guys are though really?
I have really made a mess of my life right now. The only thing I can conclude from all of this...is to give up both of them.
I don't know who to choose so perhaps I should just choose me. Yes I think that's what I need to do.
My soul hurts as I write this. Change is scary. But I need to make this change. I need to choose me. I need to stop being so co-dependent of these men. I don't need either one. I'm not ready for either one.
And if they don't understand that...then they aren't ment for me. I need to find the strength to be alone. To for once...not be dependent on anyone's attention. To for once be naked...and vulnerable. Perhaps only then will I find the comfort that I always seem to seek in relationships. I need to find that internal comfort that will help me go with the flow and not care about how long someone stays in my life.
Anyways...wrapping up this therapy talk. Love you girl. Keep fighting.
xo
